Posts Tagged ‘me’

It’s A (Wonderful?) Life

January 21, 2009

I’m feeling a bit like George Bailey these days, wondering what the world would be like if I’d never been born.  Last night, I lied awake thinking about what would be different.

There is the obvious, of course, that my three children would not have been born, but aside from that I can’t think of anything.  I’ve not saved anyone’s life, or cured any diseases. I haven’t been the deciding vote in any contest of importance. My only creations include some not terribly meaningful blog posts and some unfinished manuscripts.  Lots of poetry that no one reads but me.

Perhaps someday, one of my kids will do something phenomenal, and in their biography I will be listed as the mother. But that is them, not me, and it would be retrospection.

So what does this mean? Am I not real? Am I only alive in my own consciousness?  If I were to suddenly disappear, would their be a void in the world, or simply open space?



How Did I Get Here?

February 13, 2008

Yesterday I was 35.  Had 3 kids, a husband,  a home, and a dog.

Today I’m 56. Kids are grown, different husband, no pets, another home.

How did that happen?

Me, at 56.

I’m confused.

Am I Crazy, or Just Old?

December 17, 2007

Why is it that I can’t seem to complete a thought anymore? Is it the early onset of Alzheimer’s, or some other debilitating form of dementia? Or am I simply reacting to the stress of everyday life by tuning it out? (Not a bad idea, all in all…)

Nah. It’s just part of the normal aging process. We forget things mid-sentence, and often have to stop and ask a friend “What were we talking about?” before responding.

My husband often teases me that I have way too much “stuff” in my brain. I am the queen of trivial knowledge, and can pull up facts that 99.99% of people would have forgotten years ago. Perhaps it is that the filters in my mind are not working properly, or that they are missing completely. Thus, I know who Skeeter Davis is, I know all the words to 1300 songs from the 60’s and I can tell you my 7th grade best friend’s birthday and telephone number. I can recite the words to favorite movies before the actors do, and I can tell you what Archie Bunker said to Edith when she hit a car with a can of cling peaches, or what he told her to do about menopause.
So why can’t I remember the word for a sandwich that is flattened on the grill…. you know… um, not a grilled sandwich, um….. what the heck is it called????

Panini! (Phew! I was getting worried there. It’s hard to google something when you can’t remember what it’s called.)

And I have forgotten more passwords and user names than I remember, and need to put them in a little book that I carry everywhere. Without a list, I wander around the supermarket in a daze. Today, I stood in front of a copier I have been using for 10 years, and could not for the life of me remember the user code.

Am I destined to be one of those little old ladies who walks around muttering to herself about people who died long ago? Aw, shucks, I hope not.

I play games and do puzzles to keep my mind sharp, as recommended by all the experts. I meditate to relieve the pressures of everyday life. I eat properly, pay my bills on time, and obey (most) traffic laws. I do all the right things, so what is the problem? Why is my mind betraying me?

Do you know…..

Wait a minute… what was I just talking about?