Yes, I want to be alone. Whenever things get me down, I want to hunker down, go into a cave, and be by myself. No one calling me, visiting me, or asking for anything from me.
I guess you could call this depression. But as a lifelong borderline basket case, I know this is not the case. I am not so much depressed as sick. Sick of the world as it is. Sick of life and all the inequities it presents.
I want to visit Oz, minus the Wicked Witch. Actually, minus Glenda the Good Witch, too. She’s rather annoying.
Or perhaps move to Celebration, Florida, the town established as a part of Walt Disney World, where I can live a Disney life…
I want to be alone.
I want to have a little cottage by the sea. I want to wake each morning, sit out on the porch and sip on my coffee. Then, if I feel like it, I will walk along the beach, stopping to pick up pretty stones or shells, and occasionally a piece of seaglass. Mostly brown (beer bottles, don’tcha know), some white, some green. Very, very rarely, a piece of blue. Blue seaglass is a prize.
My days would be filled with reading and writing and walking, cooking wonderful meals, and sitting in a rocking chair on the porch. Bored? Never.
But this, unfortunately, is the real world. I have a job, five days a week at 8 a.m.. I have a mortgage, and a fuel bill. I want to move south, but, clearly, my timing sucks. The real estate market is pretty close to dead. A great time to buy, but to sell? Not so much.
I’m studying Ayurvedic healing, and attempting to meditate. I’m reading, and learning, about eating whole foods and breaking away from the modern addiction to plastic food. I am trying to be healthy.
Yet each day is a struggle. I want things to turn around, but let’s face it, ain’t gonna happen no time soon.
I can be a better me, but I can’t see a better culture. We as a species are destroying the gift that is the earth. We are by nature selfish and competitive and greedy. We do not ‘love one another’. For me, the only salvation may be to leave it all behind, to go and find that cave.
Because, truly, I want to be alone.