I recently read the book Party of One: The Loner’s Manifesto, by Anneli Rufus, and I must say, it struck a chord with me. I am a loner, and not only am I okay with it, I prefer it this way.
Cell phones are a marvelous thing, and I am so grateful to have one with me when I travel, or pick someone up at the airport, or drive home alone at night. But don’t call me, please, unless you have something to say. And even then, say it, then let me go. I won’t be offended. Really.
Ancillary to my love of my aloneness is my love of silence. I don’t need a radio or other device playing when I am home alone, or when I am in the car. I enjoy music, especially this time of the year, but often I find myself in need of quiet to calm my mind after a busy day at work.
Ms. Rufus makes the case that being a loner is not the equivalent of being weird, or a freak, as is so commonly believed. Nor is it abnormal. Numerous artists and great thinkers have been loners: Emily Dickinson, Descartes, Greta Garbo, J.D. Salinger, Einstein, Michelangelo, Isaac Newton……
Yet much of our society insists upon telling us to get out more, socialize more, make friends, get a hobby.
I have hobbies, lots of them. I read, I play on the computer, I do scrapbooking and crafts. I cook. I write. And I never ever feel the need to have someone join me in those activities. I am comfortable with this. I do not need to join clubs or do volunteer work or have a busy career to feel fulfilled. I enjoy my own company.
Going home at the end of the day is my greatest joy, and when a co-worker asks what I have planned for a weekend, I gleefully say, “nothing”.
If you think about it, this is an ideal way to live. I have friends, both real and virtual. I love my family. I enjoy being with all of them, but when I am alone, I am happy, too.
So please don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t feel you need to invite me to dinner if my husband is out of town. I’m good.
December 11, 2008 at 6:57 pm |
I agree! Silence is sometimes bliss. I’ve had some of my greatest conversations when I was alone. On the flip side though, I’ve also had some of my biggest arguments. But, afterward I always know where I stand, so that ain’t all bad either.
There is nothing wrong with being alone sometimes.
I like when it’s quiet enough to actually hear all the voices.
At least then, I know they are all okay. ; )
December 11, 2008 at 8:23 pm |
I can certainly understand how you feel. I’ve spent more time alone than not and it is mostly okay. The problem sets in when I don’t leave the house for a couple of weeks at a time and don’t talk to anyone other than exchanging comments on blogs.
But I’m okay being alone. For the most part.
December 11, 2008 at 10:02 pm |
I relate so well to this, and in fact, need solitude in order to maintain some semblence of sanity. It’s nice to catch up with you.
December 11, 2008 at 10:34 pm |
Boy, I so agree with you. I have hermatitis and am perfectly happy with it. I thought I was the only one in the world who doesn’t play the radio in the car. I do sometimes listen to CD’s though – books. I am always perfectly happy to be home with no noise too. The phone annoys me when it rings and I am a bad phone talker. It feels awkward to me after about 3 minutes. So don’t feel bad if I hang up quickly; it’s me, not you.
Great article, Nancy!!!
December 12, 2008 at 1:03 am |
The best time of my life was the 4 or so years that I lived alone with my birds and a hamster. Yep. I understand solitude. I embrace alone time.
December 16, 2008 at 1:00 am |
LOL I could have written this, except that I must have background noise, if only to block out all the little sneaky noises that creep me out.
December 16, 2008 at 8:38 am |
I don’t have that issue, Shawn, except maybe when I am alone at night. Generally I love the silence.
June 2, 2009 at 9:22 am |
What I’d like to know, Nanis, is how you are a loner and also “have friends, both real and virtual”. How do you get those REAL friends, being a loner? I love being alone a lot of the time. Every so often I’ll get together with people via my Unitarian Universalist Fellowship group, or a group of us will go out after work, or I’ll call an Al-Anon contact. I keep in touch with some of them via email. But none of these people seem to be available or interested when I want to find someone to, for example, go out dancing. I don’t understand how to ease a casual acquaintance into a real friend. I don’t seem to know how to do it; it seems to require more regular maintenance than I, as an easily over-socialized loner, seem able to provide.
By the way, madame donna, I envy you those years alone living with critters. I live with my husband, to whom I am not particularly close. (He likes constant TV noise and is rather a packrat, and addicted to movement and “doing productive things”. Yeah, I know. I ended up with a mismatch, but here I am! He loves me, he says, and doesn’t want to lose me. So I stay.)
June 2, 2009 at 9:36 am |
Wendy, I see no contradiction between having friends and being a loner. I have many friends, but most of them understand that I am not really interested in ‘going out’ very often. The good thing about internet friendships is that I can maintain them in my own time frame. For example, you may have written this comment at 9:22, yet I can read it later, or even if I read it right away, I can think about it a bit and respond when I want to. I like that.
I do, on occasion, get together with friends, and I enjoy it, but my favorite plan for the weekend is to have nothing on the calendar.
It’s interesting that you feel you don’t know how to take friendships to the next level, and yet you also do not want to put in the effort required. I am not criticizing; I pretty much agree with you, but it’s hard to have it both ways. If you want to dance, join a group that does that.
I suspect you are lonely, and not necessarily a loner. But I am not a shrink, and would not pretend to know how you feel, but I think it is something to think about.
Thanks for commenting.
September 5, 2009 at 12:06 pm |
Anneli Rufus’s book changed my life. I’m pushing to live happily alone and to be focused on the business of finishing college. Not all but most other things are just pretense and illusion.